Nature vs Nuture or only myself to blame?

 

Have you ever sat and pondered the things you don’t like about yourself? For instance take me for an example now I don’t like how I always have the best intentions but rarely act on them. Small example sending someone a card and even going as far as buying a card but never actually sending the card. I actually have one sitting on my desk as I type for two weeks my hold up of course is the stamp.

Or the time we were crossing Amsterdam Avenue at night after the ballet and a very old woman was trying to cross the street and struggling I really wanted to take the time to stop and help her even imagined what a hero I would feel like if I did but I didn’t. Now I was afraid she would brush me off and I was afraid if I turned back I would lose my mom in the crowd. But I should have done it anyway. Now don’t even get me going on how “should have” should have been my middle name.

I have been trying to embrace my faults and appreciate me for being me. If I have a stupid thought or maybe even a very strange thought instead of chastising myself I try to say “well that’s a little weird but I love that about you”.  Or when I never do anything I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do it I say to myself hey it could be worse you could be a serial killer. And so on.

I recently have this “if I could all do it over again” fantasy playing on re-runs in my brain especially about college. I know I under-achieved in school found partying more fun then going to class. In my mind’s eye I picture me getting a second chance avoiding people who distract me going to every class basically becoming Rory Gilmore. Man do I need to stop watching the gilmore girls. But the funny thing about life is that I am me and I might be able to change a little, I might be able to sometimes learn from my mistakes, and I might be able to grow but the base line of me is me.

A great example again probably due to my obsession with college I contemplated for a very short time of getting my masters. Now it is something I might do in the future but to test out the premise that I have changed and it would be different this time, I decided to take an online course that you actually have to do assignments they are due sunday night.  Now what day do you think I do the majority of the work? Monday? no…..Wednesday? no no no yes you guessed it Sunday.  Now in my defense Sunday is good day for me to do work and the deadline for the assignment was midnight tonight and I did it before 11am so I am maybe not the worst procrastinator ever. Maybe.

Another funny example I have been struggling of late to write so I came up with the idea of a journal to just write down everyday shit in hopes that it will dredge up some decent stuff.  So I go to my google docs and the I find that I had this same idea six months ago posted twice and promptly forgot about it. Now that made me laugh. Its like the time my mom gave me one of her old garden journals from years ago I open it up and there was one entry in it “fed peonies”.

I guess I come by it honestly and  I guess the point I am trying to make is you can know your faults and let them make you miserable or you can see the humor in yourself and make yourself laugh. Not that it gives me a pass to never do the dishes again it just means I trust that they will get done eventually and probably not when I hoped I would.